What Love Teaches Us

Photo by Marcel Ardivan, Unsplash.

One of the reasons relationships are so valuable is that they help us understand ourselves better. When we love, we don’t just discover the other person, we also reflect on who we are, in ways we rarely can when alone. What love teaches us is not only joy and pleasure. It also brings patience, self-reflection, and the chance to grow into better versions of ourselves.

Being with someone gives us the chance to be seen more fully. Someone beside us late at night and at the break of dawn. Someone who listens to our hidden fears and unpolished joys. Someone who witnesses us without the daily masks: when we are playful or despairing, when we speak carelessly, or when we stop trying to perform as flawless beings. Through this, the hidden corners of ourselves begin to surface. Our partner sees both the charms we’ve forgotten and the difficult, puzzling edges of our nature. They may remind us that we’ve told the same story three times, that purple doesn’t suit us, that we overreacted at work, or misplaced our trust in an envious friend. They notice when we worry too much, or when we should be more cautious. Their feedback gives us the chance to shed a little stubbornness, a little pride, a little needless strangeness.

Yet despite love’s potential to guide us toward self-understanding, in reality, we often leave relationships with most of our illusions about ourselves still intact.

Part of the problem lies in pride. We struggle to forgive our partner for seeing sides of us that don’t match the image we wish to believe. We enter love wanting admiration, only to be faced with the fact that we aren’t always funny, that the novel we’re writing is still disjointed, that we indulge in self-pity, that we are quick-tempered, messy, or unable to express feelings fully. Instead of treating these truths as invitations to grow, we feel wounded. We accuse our partner of being “harsh” or “unsympathetic,” dismissing their words. We fall back on a misleading idea of love: that in a good relationship, no one should ever try to change the other. As if we were already perfect. As if every flaw deserved unconditional forgiveness, just as when we were children. People say true love means wanting nothing about the other person to change. And if we tell friends we broke up because “they kept trying to change me,” we’re likely to be applauded for our choice. But deep down, we all know none of us is perfect. Genuine kindness does not mean leaving a loved one trapped with their blind spots, skewed perceptions, sudden rages, unresolved wounds, or questionable fashion sense. True kindness means helping them—with tenderness and sincerity—see themselves more clearly, so they can grow into a better version of who they are.

Of course, the challenge is not only with the one receiving feedback. We ourselves often fail to help our partner see their truths in a gentle way. Human egos are fragile; they need patience and reassurance. Yet we let irritation and anxiety cloud the message we truly want to share. We pick the worst moments to raise sensitive issues—after they return exhausted from work, or when they walk in drenched from the rain. Fearing they may never see their own flaws, we push too hard, too quickly, destroying the chance for them to reflect calmly. We forget that the goal is to help them grow, not punish them for being imperfect. Worse still, even when our intentions are good, we can lose patience after just minutes, ending the conversation with a cruel remark—slamming the door, shouting that they’re “just like your mother” or “exactly like your father.” Ironically, our words in anger may be true. But no one learns anything about themselves in an atmosphere of insult and hurt.

Perhaps, if we truly want to unlock the value a relationship can bring, we must set stricter rules for ourselves. And within those rules, we must remember that love is not a battlefield for pride, but a gentle classroom for growth where two imperfect people slowly learn, with patience and tenderness, how to help each other become more whole.